Quarter Life Crisis Or Awakening?

They say there's is such a thing as a quarter life crisis. I don't know if this is what happened to me, but last year was definitely something very powerful and something that changed me profoundly. Others might call this an awakening, since it was something that shook me to the very core and made me question all of my previous values and beliefs.

In the words of Alice:

"I knew who I was this morning, but I've changed a few times since then."

Yeah, try a million times instead.

That is exactly what happened. I changed. And then I changed again. And again. And again.
Everything I thought I knew about myself, suddenly lost all it's value. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like a reptile, a snake that was renewing it's skin. Old pieces continued to fall off and I could now stare at them laying beside me, with mixed feelings of confusion and sadness. Sometimes they were pieces I didn't even know I had so letting go was easier. Other times they were parts that had been with me ever since I can remember, and now suddenly they just decided to abandon ship and sneak out without even leaving a note.

I'm going to try my best to explain what is it that I felt. I could say that my whole being, was like a house trying to survive a tropical storm. I thought I had built my house on a steady ground by now, but though the foundations were strong, even they started shaking and at times I was afraid that I would soon be left with nothing. Nothing familiar at least.

Once in a while as I gained more balance, I started to feel relief, hoping the storm was over and that I could finally step outside again and start putting the pieces together and build something new. Immediately there was a new storm, right around the corner, just waiting to pick up where the previous one left off. It made a big mess, every single time.

Eventually I learnt to wait and be patient. At times it was quiet and I felt restless to have a look outside to see my new surroundings. I could see glimpses of what was going to be my new home, but I was not allowed to move in and unpack just yet. I could feel my mind exploding with ideas, and I tried to convince myself that I was ready. It was my need to control, to be one step ahead, and I failed miserably. I was put in the corner like a stubborn child, time and time after another, to cool off and to finally learn my lesson. With tears in my eyes I resisted, until I finally started to get tired and care less.

After months and months of staying in, feeling powerless and restrained, I felt a weird sense of calmness. A clarity that lit up my whole body and mind. I then stepped outside, thinking whether I would be blown away by another storm but instead the sun was shining and there was only a very light wind that I could feel gently on my face. My yard was a chaos. It was turned upside down and there were only a few things that remained the same. I sat on my doorsteps and took a deep breath. I felt calm. The chaos didn't feel overwhelming anymore, it felt beautiful. I didn't have ideas about how to fix it nor did I worry if it was going to stay this way. I just felt the sun on my face and the air had never seemed so fresh.

For a whole month I just came outside to sit on those doorsteps. I just sat and stared. I felt humble and almost reborn. I was just an observant, and definitely not in control of anything. It wasn't until I had given up my very last and desperate efforts to control the change, that I actually achieved peace.
I had to put my hands in the air and give up all the rights, without knowing what the outcome would be. And I've never felt so free. Because it is the need of control and attachment to everything that really weighs us down.

Just let it go. Let it all go. At that moment you refuse to be controlled by your fears of "what could go wrong" and start trusting in the "what could go right."

This year has definitely been painful in so many ways. It feels almost like I just fast forwarded five years of my life. I am beyond exhausted, still a little bit confused and also somewhat amused. I felt old and ready to sit back and watch the younger ones go wild and figure out life. I know this can sound crazy but it is exactly how I felt after a year like this. It is hard to explain to others what is happening to you, when you can't really even explain it to yourself. I've fallen into so many rabbit holes I can't even count. It has been one "wtf" moment after another and at some point you can't help but laugh.

So many times I was sure that I was losing my mind, and I couldn't see how things could ever get better again. This world didn't seem to make sense to me anymore, and everything just started to seem so pointless. I woke up shaking and feeling nauseous and depressed. My mind was racing 24/7 and it wouldn't leave me alone even at night time, when I just kept waking up feeling anxious and panicked. This went on for months.

Even though I've felt somewhat imprisoned this year by all these changes that left me no choice but to sit and wait til the storm had passed, I feel like there was another prison that was holding me captive long before that. My mind, and my constant need to control. I wish I could say that I already did my sentence and was finally fully released, but I know I still have so much work to do. I'm probably on probation at most.

And now it's up to me to try and use those things that I learnt.

The mind is funny that way. It knows your weak days, and all those fears that are just dying to pop back up to the surface, just to say hi after a long time. And before you know it, you're there, lying on the floor, questioning your whole existence and wondering whether it's too late to start over.
And I'll probably start over. I'll probably start over a dozen times in my life still. I only wish that I'll know better then. At least a little.

A storm can be destructive, but it can also clear out space when it's needed. It can turn a house upside down, but by doing that it can also bring the hidden back to the surface. And if we are wise, we will not fight change, but encourage it, because without change there can be no growth.

Since I now know what's gonna happen, I might as well start getting some proper equipment, like candles and boardgames. Some high quality canned foods maybe (no idea what that is by the way.) Anything to keep me busy the next time the nature does it's work.

And it's ok. I got time.

2018 bring it on.