The Years That Change Us

There are years that make us just a bit more quiet. More humble. More serious and slightly less innocent. Those years have great power inside of them. They can turn us against ourselves and make us go into the very deepest and darkest parts of our minds.. The power that they have will not leave us feeling light and easy, but rather like we've been through a war. A war where you don't even know which side you are on anymore, but you just have to keep battling. Every time you feel like you can't go on anymore, that power that those years have, makes sure you don't lie down and give up. It gives you the toughest love you've ever got, and yells into your ear to get back up when you're beaten down and crying on the floor.

And you better know that you're no quitter.

For me this year presented itself as a monster living inside of me. And oh do we go way back with this monster.. But this time it came back as the 2.0 version. This monster had become so witty and confident that I actually have to give it some credit. It acted like an uninvited guest that came into your house, ate all your food, put their feet on your living room table and kept leaving their dirty laundry all over your home. This monster was called Guilt.

But before Guilt, there was Sadness. Sadness moved in when things started changing. If Guilt was the uninvited guest, then Sadness would be the long-lost cousin that you can't turn away from your door. They've been through a lot so you want to help, so you take them in and even give them your own bed while you sleep on the couch.


The famous year of 27

They say the age of 27 is usually a year of challenges. It could be related to your career, studies, passions, health or relationships, you name it. Is it a coincidence that so many famous artists, musicians or actors have committed suicide at this age? Some of us might even remember seeing Britney Spears lose it completely at the age of 27 and shaving her head while she was at it.. If you don't remember, there are plenty of memes out there that prove it.. The age of 27 seems to be the perfect recipe for disaster.. In a way it feels like a year where all of your emotional baggage from your past piles up, and then the universe quietly observes who can take it and who can't. I do however see a possibility that comes from all this chaos. It has a feeling of "getting rid of the old and making space for the new." There is a sense of surrendering and feeling humble, and knowing you will never be exactly the same anymore.

My year of 2018 was an absolute emotional roller coaster. Or like I said before, it was a war. And no one came out from this war without severe psychological traumas. Not me, and not the other people caught in the middle of it. And this is what is still causing me nightmares. While there were other battlefields where this war was fought, most of it was inside of me. And that one was the worst of them all. Sadness was there.. And Guilt showed up shortly after. We got used to each other, but there were many times where the house just began to feel too crowded. There is no room for other guests when those two already take up all the space there is.

I feel like the most common word I've used this year (if not out loud then at least inside my head screaming) would be FUCK. With a capital fucking F, U, C and K. If I needed to choose a therapy word for this year it would definitely be that one. There is so much frustration and built up emotions in this year, that no other word would simply do the trick. But the thing about these magical and disastrous years, is that you are pulled into one direction so strongly, that you just simply CANNOT give in. Even when you know it would be so much easier and way less painful. And many times you almost do give in and go back to those old patterns, those familiar things that give you more safety and a sense of home. But deep down there is that feeling.. That voice in your head that tells you something's not right. It's the fear of stepping out of the old and into something new and unknown. Because you see, on the other side of that fear is a possibility you've haven't felt in a long time. And THAT is what holds so much power. THAT is the power of these years. The power of hearing your name being called, to step out of the familiar. Even if you break down while doing it.


What is this trying to teach me? 

Living with Guilt and Sadness this year hasn't been for nothing. They have taught me things that others probably couldn't. From Guilt I've learned that there are times where no one is going to give you the forgiveness you are seeking for. And in those times, you need to forgive yourself. One thing you need to be careful with though, is noticing what blame and guilt belongs to you, and what is assigned to you by someone else. Be humble, but listen to your gut when it tells you you're carrying more on your shoulders than you should be carrying. Accept your own mistakes and learn from them.

From Sadness I learned that no one can give you a time frame of how long you can be sad. I've also learned that no one can tell you how to be sad, and you should never judge anyone for feeling a whole range of feelings when they are hurt and sad. We all feel in different ways, and we should only aim to understand the best we can, and lovingly accept our differences when we can't understand.
Sadness has also taught me to not try to escape the feelings of pain, loss and anxiety that comes with them, but rather to give them space too. Tell them they're not going to run the show, but they're allowed to come along for the ride. Once in a while they're gonna want to speak out, and that's ok. Let them do their rant until they get it all out. And then you can kindly thank them for sharing.

There are years that make us a bit more quiet..
Years that leave our hearts split into pieces.
Years that leave a mark.

I have no idea how things will turn out. I know the battle within myself is not over. All I can do is try to be true to myself, and year by year gain a little bit more confidence and calmness.
In the end, those years will not leave me feeling like a victim. They won't leave me angry. Guilt and Sadness are still with me, and they're probably still staying for a while.

May this new year be as good as it can possibly be.

Happy New Year <3